Broken Pieces of My Life

By Hazel Holland

I found eight more watercolors that I painted over 30 years ago stashed away in that dusty old box in my garage... I'm kind of embarrassed to post this one here because it not only reveals that contemporary art is NOT my forte, but it also exposes my past brokenness.

In my struggle to find meaning out of the pain and heartbreak of divorce, I decided to paint the confusing mixture of feelings I was experiencing inside. This painting depicts the many layers within my heart that needed healing. At the time they were being torn apart and ripped into irregular shaped pieces. The colors used represent the various emotions I was experiencing at the time...

The dark shades of green, brown, and black at the bottom of the painting represent my depression. But the worse feelings of all were my unending feelings of hopelessness and abandonment that stretched out in lengthy plateaus...

The layers of blue represent my feelings of isolation and rejection that I had towards myself. Since blue is a cool color I chose it to represent the cold and harsh feelings I had toward myself from an early age. I didn't know who I was because I had not yet experienced the intimacy of knowing Jesus through the Spirit, neither had I yet been overwhelmed by the love in the Father's heart for me.

The red represents Christ's blood and His love for me that covers my sins. This was painted more from my knowledge of the Scriptures, than from my life in the Spirit. Although He knew me, I didn't yet know Him. Although I loved Jesus Christ, I didn't yet KNOW Him personally.

The layers of blue and red shades together depict the struggle I was having in allowing God to come into my desert places of deep brokenness. The thick walls (blue colors) that I had erected to protect my heart also kept me from experiencing God's heart for me.

The lighter colors represent my moments of catching a fleeting glimpse of the "light", and hoping that one day it would be more than just a glimpse. I wanted to feel joy again. The light colors of pink represented faith.

I wanted to believe that as soon as I began to heal from my rejection and abandonment issues the walls would come down. So the painting depicts the hope I had in the mist of my despair. Although I couldn't see through the darkness at the time, I painted the lighter shades, hoping that one day the clouds of depression would vanish and reveal the warmth of the sun (Son).

The yellow and orange shades at the top of the painting represent the "Light" I was searching for. That was before I came to understand that "Light" is a Person, and joy is one of His gifts through the Spirit!

Now I'm thankful that I didn't throw this painting away because it's a reminder to me, and hopefully to anyone who reads this post that God is faithful! He will more than finish the good work He has begun in you and I.

He will more than heal all of our broken places with His agape love. He will draw us to Himself with His love and offer us His heart where we can find ultimate rest in Him 24/7. His place of rest and intimacy in the Spirit is glorious we cannot keep Him to ourselves.